My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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