i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
