You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
