That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
