I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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