apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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