i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
