I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
