My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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