Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
