I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
