I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
