woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
