just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
