Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
