Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
