i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
