It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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