I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
