i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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