Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
