I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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