My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize