am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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