I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
