So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You left your phone here
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