My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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