im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize