I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
