i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
