I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
