my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
