White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
