Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
