be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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