Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize