how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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