I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
