Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You made out with two different species that night
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
