I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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