Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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