I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
