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Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
