U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
