my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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