Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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