So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I was not drunk enough for that final.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
