I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
