You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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