Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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