i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Hippo gnu deer
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
