I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize