even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
