Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
