i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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