No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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