I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
