i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
