I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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