I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
