How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
