Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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