My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
