peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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